to say the least.

it all started when you were in grade seven.
the big transition from primary school to high school.
we had so many run throughs.
episodes of degrassi were watched; you wanted to be like emma.

i remember you coming home from your first day.
and telling me about all the new people you had met.
all the new friends you had made.
how people just flocked to you, because you were so pretty.

i remember you meeting luke.
you were so stoked to have a boyfriend.
you were so happy.

but then something changed.
something in your mind.
something i will probably never know about.
you decided not to eat.
it was like food was your enemy.
i do not know whether it was because you saw all these other girls at school.
and thought that they were a lot prettier or thinner than you were.
or because of something else.
i do not know if i will ever know.

you were admitted to hospital.
i remember that day.
i did not come to visit.
mum told me that it was for the best.
you joked about how the doctors were making you eat.
and that you refused.
you joked about how the people at school were calling you annie.
this was not kind.
you had lost so much weight.
your hip bones jutted out. so far.
your clothes just hung off your little frame.
it made me sick.

you did not want to talk.
i know that.
but you knew i was there for you.

a year past.
you got reasonably better
i liked this.
you were happier.
i loved seeing your smiling face.

i guess me moving away didn’t help.
i know that you had thought that you had lost me.
you hadn’t.
i know i was the only one to make you happy.
it must have been so hard.
not having me there after school to walk home with.
not seeing me until friday nights.
i am sorry.

then all of a sudden things got worse.
depression kicked in.
you became a zombie.
you did not want to do anything
not even tennis.
and you love tennis.
i remember that morning your mum cried to me.
she was distraught.
she did not know what to do.
i did not know what to do.
i just held her.
all i could do was sit there and make you smile.

you stopped eating.
again.
you just lay in bed.
bucket by your side.

then came all the appointments.
psychologists.
dietitians.
psychiatrists.
pediatricians.
you were never home.

you tried to see the positives.
by adding exclamation marks to everything you typed.
you made it seem like a joke.
it was far from one.

your days were up and down.
i never know how you would be each day.
i got sick of it.
not knowing your mood.
i got sick of supporting you.
i felt like i needed help
some moral support.
of some sort.

i almost gave up.
i am not sure what came over me.
i am you fucking bestfriend.
through thick and thin i am here.
i was told you needed me.
this was true.

i still feel this way sometimes.
like i am helpless.
like i am not doing enough for you.

friends are there for you.
they stick with you no matter what.
true friends are there for you.
no matter how hard the problem is.

you are the strongest person i know.
i know you hate it
i know you would give anything to be better.
i cannot say it is hard.
i have never had to experience any of it first hand.
none of the pain, or emotions that you have.
but i know it must be difficult for your tiny little body.
and that you will get through it.
no matter what.
i know you will.

if i could have one wish.
a wish of anything.
it would make you forever happy,
i mean it.
i love you.





this was written over a year ago.
it is still as relevant now, as it was when i first wrote it.

i still wish for eternal happiness for this girl. whenever i get the chance.
even though things have changed,
and we may not be as close anymore.
i still love you. with all my heart.